Chapter Text
It all starts on a random day in November. Nothing monumental happens, no one worries. It’s barely the start of an incline – or decline, to be accurate. Just an off day where maybe the mood matches the weather and the fact Shane is too far from Ilya. All day a hollow emptiness starts to grow at the center of Ilya’s chest. It’s the same sort of gray that wraps its tendrils around his lungs and heart until it works its way through his body. The feeling is not so awful where he can’t function yet. But it’s coming. Ilya just never recognizes it until he gets to the bottom.
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The Centaurs are in Boston for the last game of their swing up the East Coast. On the ice and in the room, no one notices anything is different. Sure, Roz is more quiet today but maybe he misses his old teammates or even the city. His play is pretty usual, he’s not dragging but he’s not finishing his hits as hard. Ilya barely chips his opponents or acts super playful with his teammates. He’s not glued to his phone between periods or before the game texting his Jane. There’s not even a rousing speech given to hype them up going into the 3rd period tied 2-2. That just happens sometimes though.
The Centaurs lose.
When the team trudges into the locker room, Ilya puts his helmet in its designated spot. He’s already had a post-game interview with NESN and he’s got media availability in 10. Right now, Ilya is battling to get out of his gear. He’s just got it all off by the time Coach Wiebe comes in to give his post game wrap up. All he wants is to rinse off right now, but he forces himself to listen.
Sluggish. Rust. End of road trip. Rest day. Come back ready.
That’s all Ilya needs to hear. He has nothing to add as Captain. He quickly strips and heads to rinse off enough to not be disgusting. Thankfully he pulls on his shorts and compression shirt before cameras and mics surround his stall. He never gets to text Shane and he doesn’t get to drink the shake Shane insists he has.
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Ottawa Senators Media Availability
OTT 2 | BOS 3 Final
Q: Why do you think the momentum slipped late in the second?
Rozanov:
Our PK the last two minutes of the 2nd hurt us. Is tough going into the room on a last minute tying goal but we are stronger than that. Very disappointing.
Q: The first line is certainly putting in the work, is the addition of Barrett on your wing a part of this?
Rozanov:
My line will always put the work in, you can look at any season or any game. Barrett is a good addition to the team, but one player or one line performing well is not enough.
Q:Do you think the long road trip has affected the team?
Rozanov:
Maybe. Probably. Yes. (Shrugs)
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Once Ilya is cooled down and stretched out, most of the guys are already out of the room. When he’s sitting down to put his shoes on he pauses to rub the center of his chest and take a breath.
“Rozy, don’t take it hard. You had a great game,” Bood says as he comes to stop in front of his Captain. “We’ll go home and sleep in our own beds tomorrow before we start turning it around.”
He nods slowly. “Yes. I will make sure we do.” There’s none of his usual intensity in the delivery.
“Hey, come out with us. Bring some of the Boston guys.”
Ilya shakes his head. “No, I’m tired and I have to call my b—girlfriend.”
“All right man. Take it easy.”
When he finally looks at his phone on the bus to the hotel, he finds messages from Shane and Yuna.
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The elevator is silent aside from the mechanical sounds as they climb floors. Ilya leans back against the mirrored wall. It's solid and grounding. When the doors slide open he almost wishes he could just stay against the wall but his bed calls him – even though it's all the way at the end of the hallway.
Inside the hotel room that looks like every other midrange hotel room, the lamp on the side table illuminates the head of the bed. The rest of the room sits in darkness but he is able to see just fine thanks to the city lights coming in through the window.
The backpack hits the floor then his coat before he's face first into the pillows. The hollow ache hasn't got to his brain yet so it's silent. There's no way he would call this quiet blissful, though. Maybe it is for some people but it makes Ilya unsettled.
His phone buzzes in his pocket, and without looking he knows it's Shane seeing if he made it into his room. Even though every bone in his body is screaming to go to sleep, he shifts to pull out the phone.
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The way his jaw aches and his throat burns reminds him he is a weak man just like his father always said. But he swipes up and taps on the screen to navigate to Shane’s number then presses call.
It only takes one ring for his beautiful boyfriend to answer. “Are you all right?”
Ilya laughs, tapping on the speaker phone button and sitting up. “I'm just tired. I might have a cold.”
“Mm.”
“Do not worry I will hydrate and take whatever it is you or Yuna tells me to, yes?” He tugs off his beanie and tosses it aside.
“Okay, I just worry about you.” That melts his heart.
“I know, moy rodnoy. I am very happy you do.” He unbuttons his shirt.
“Did you eat?”
“Yes.” He shouldn't eat something now but he ate fine before the game.
“Can we FaceTime?”
Ilya yawns. “Yes, one minute. Tell me about your day.”
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In his bed in Montreal, Shane listens to Ilya moving around in his hotel room. He talks about his day, starting with how practice felt completely unproductive. He doesn't want to burden Ilya with how bad things are since coming out to his teammates, but he can complain about a shitty practice.
“You are amazing, Captain. You will get them back on track. Okay? FaceTime now?” Ilya asks.
Shane accepts the switch and holds his phone out. When Ilya appears his eyes hold the heavy tired look he gets sometimes. As if keeping them open is just so much effort.
“Glasses. You know how to make me feel better. You come to mine and you can be naughty nurse.” Ilya chuckles and it's got to be the best noise he's heard all day.
Shane also laughs as he reaches for his glasses. After he slides them on he grins at Ilya. “Better?”
“Yes.”
They’re both quiet for a minute and Ilya is looking past the screen. It's like there's something far away he's trying to see or a math equation he's attempting to solve. Shane wants to bury his fingers in those curls and kiss his forehead.
“I think you should go to sleep, Ilya.”
“I do too.” He agrees quietly.
“I’m going to hang up so you don’t feel the need to talk, okay? I love you.”
“I love you too.”
When Shane ends the call, he wishes they were together.
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The weeks pass then a month then it’s January suddenly and the emptiness has engulfed Ilya completely for some time now. He’s absolutely drowning in the darkness. All he wants to do is stay in bed – lazy. He wants to disappear or just not wake up. There's times he lays in bed thinking about how he would kill himself. The issue is he doesn't want to hurt Shane or Yuna or David. But he imagines hanging himself or slitting his wrists. Sometimes he thinks about pills, but he doesn't really keep any in the house. Not that he'd do it but maybe if they were there he might.
Doing anything right now is a chore. He’s barely making it to practice on time and leaves as soon as possible — which is very unlike him. Ilya never goes out with his teammates and begs off dinner with Yuna and David with lame excuses. On phone calls with Shane he thinks he’s managing to make sure he doesn’t worry too much. Knowing Shane though he probably sees right through him. Just another thing he's a failure at.
Ilya hopes today will be better because Shane will be here. They have a game against one another tonight then he’ll come over. He’s managed to put on a happy enough face the last few times Shane’s been around. Even Christmas went well. The issue is, Ilya has trouble even getting through a morning skate by putting on a happy face. Last he saw Shane he couldn't even manage that.
Speaking of morning skate, he needs to leave the apartment. He looks at the sink, which has a stack of dishes and glasses piled inside. Ilya isn’t a messy person, his father would have hit him if he did not keep things clean and tidy. The darker it gets, though, the messier things become. Shane can't see this. There’s not enough time to clean right now, so he has to do it when he gets back before his pregame nap.
What he can do is throw out the two empty bottles of vodka on his counter. So he gathers them and puts them in the correct bin… which clutters. With a grimace, he takes out the liner. If Shane saw it then he’d worry. It’s not like he had a problem. He really hasn’t been drinking that much. Plus, not all the bottles are vodka, it’s mostly beer.
His phone buzzes before he answers the door. Shit. He never texted Shane this morning.
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In his hotel room across town, Shane frowns at his phone. Something is wrong with Ilya. The last few months he’s been sad – no, depressed. Shane’s attempted to encourage him to find a therapist multiple times over the years, and each time he's been shot down. Yuna told him that Ilya also needs to want help. Until then all they could do is support him. His parents bring Ilya food to eat every week even when he doesn't stop by their place. Shane tries to not be too much of a mother hen because he knows Ilya will just push away more. Sveta is constantly checking in. Hopefully his team is being attentive too.
It’s still hard though. Every morning Shane wakes up wondering if today will be the day he’ll have a million memes or Instagram posts. Maybe Ilya would send sweet voice notes again or hell even a horny text. Their sex life has taken a hit. That’s okay with Shane too, but again, it bothers him because it's another sign something is wrong.
At least Ilya is out of bed and Shane can go on with his day without being super stressed out. Maybe he can catch him at the rink just to check in.
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At the rink lately, the team has noticed something is wrong with Ilya too – no matter how much he tries to mask it. As the weeks go on, there are signs. It starts with him showing up a little later, and then he’s joking less. Wiebe notices he takes longer processing when it comes to giving his opinions or feedback. In fact, Brandon has pulled him aside a couple of times and Ilya insisted he’s fine each time. Terry said Brandon tried to dig and see if there’s an injury but he couldn’t find anything physically.
Since he’s still putting up numbers and fulfilling his Captain duties, he's just not his usual expressive, funny self. Coach isn't sure what to do.
Each time the team gets together, no matter when, Ilya begs off with some excuse. Not his usual excuse last year when he would say he was spending the limited amount of time they had with his girlfriend (who apparently travels a lot). He’s less active in the team chat too. Normally he loves a meme or a sarcastic comment. Now it’s just crickets.
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When Ilya gets home after practice he sets his alarm and falls onto the sofa for his nap. Thankfully, he slips right off to sleep instead of just tossing and turning while his father's greatest hits remind him how awful he is no matter how hard he tries. How he doesn’t deserve good things. Hell, he doesn't even have a bad dream. So he ends up hitting snooze far too many times. That means he can’t clean up before Shane comes by.
Hopefully, he can get out before Shane does or he is going to worry about Ilya. He’s probably worrying about him enough — fuck he’s such a burden. Maybe it’d be better if he stopped seeing Shane. If he keeps getting like this then why would anyone want to stay with him? Shane is too good and deserves so much better.
It’s so stupid to feel this way, he thinks as he drags himself out of the apartment. Everything his father ever said to him is true. He doesn’t want to do anything — texting or calling Shane, seeing anyone, being a good Captain, going to practice, playing a game, scrolling online. The only thing he wants is to just vanish and come back when he feels like himself.
At this point Ilya can’t remember himself before he became empty again. There’s nothing left inside of him to hold on to.
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Roz's Gal
@rozysgal_81
whats wrong with my boy?????
❤ 358 · 🔁 14
Greg Boone
@metros_suck
What a goal by Barrett. Roz looks like he’s lagging tho. Maybe he’s sick or injured?
❤ 745 · 🔁 25
Wonder Boi
@ilikeit524
yawnnn this is the most boring Hollander v Roz game I’ve ever seen
❤ 865 · 🔁 81
It's Not A Conspiracy
@hollanov2481
are the boys fighting?
❤ 41· 🔁 2
Ricky Wright
@rwritght
eh, at least the Cens won. Hope the next few days off help
❤ 159· 🔁 3
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Ottawa Senators Media Availability
OTT 1 | MTL 0 Final
Q: Roz, lots of comments you’re looking slow today. Any injuries you’re worried about?
Rozanov:
Unfortunately it was a bad game for me. You know me, lazy. Just need to work harder.
Q: You and Hollander didn’t seem to be on the ice tonight. Has the spark died in the rivalry?
Rozanov:
Hollander, I do not know why he was so slow tonight. Maybe he missed me and was so sad.
Q:You’ve been getting plenty of assists, but your goal scoring is down. Is that frustrating you?
Rozanov:
Yes, very frustrating. I am glad for my linemates continuing to put the pucks in the net, but… (shrug)
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The game sucked. Shane needs to be fucked into the mattress and pinned down. Maybe choked? They tried that over the summer and he liked it. He’s not sure if Ilya is going to be up for it because of how down he’s been lately.
When Shane gets to Ilya’s penthouse apartment, he kicks off his shoes and pushes them to the wall next to Ilya’s. He flicks the light on and his breath hitches. The apartment is so… not messy, but maybe disorganized. It’s very unlike Ilya, he’s so tidy. There are dishes in the sink, a stack of mail on the counter, and a pile of hoodies and sweatpants on the back of the sofa.
Frowning, Shane gets started on picking up. At least he can be a little helpful here if he can’t be with him all the time. As he cleans the dishes, he thinks about how there could be ten more years of this. Ten more years of not being able to wake up with Ilya daily and not help him when he has these down times. The thought tears him apart each time he goes down that road.
Just as he finishes folding the sweatpants and hoodies, Ilya walks through the door. He isn’t standing tall as usual nor is he rushing at Shane like he tends to do after not having sex for a while. There’s dark bags under his eyes too.
“Hi, baby.” He grins, meeting him halfway between the sofa and the door. “How you feeling?”
Ilya sighs and shrugs, one hand going to Shane’s hip and the other to his chin. He pulls Shane close, their lips crashing together. There's something missing here and Shane can't put his finger on it. A certain spark he's used to is M.I.A.. There’s no intensity… maybe that’s not the right word because even the slow, sweet kisses are consuming with Ilya.
“Hey, we don’t need to do this right now,” Shane says softly after he’s pushed back on to the sofa.
A frown deepens on Ilya’s face. “Is something wrong, sweetheart?”
“No, Ilya. It’s just, uh, I feel like you’re not into it.” He gestures to the front of his jeans. Normally he’d be hard just from making out in the doorway when they got together. Probably, like Shane he was usually half hard on the car ride to the apartment.
Ilya sits back on his knees, his eyes going glassy. He looks away, not making eye contact. “I… I just don’t know what’s wrong with me lately.”
“Oh, baby.” Shane sits up and holds his arms out so Ilya will come cuddle. “Come here.”
After a beat of hesitation, Ilya falls into him. “I am sorry.”
“Don’t be, I’m just happy to be here with you.” He kisses Ilya’s temple.
“Everything is just… off. I’m so tired and things feel wrong. I can’t really explain things.” Ilya shakes his head and Shane’s heart hurts.
He takes a deep breath. “I… I know I’ve said it before but maybe you should try to see a therapist?” The immediate tensing tells Shane what the answer will be no again.
“Uh, they would need to speak Russian. Fluently.”
Shane tries hard to not let out a sigh. “Okay. Want me to see what I can find?”
Ilya nods. “Then I will see.”
That’s all Shane can ask for right now.
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Instead of just emptiness there’s a small flicker of embarrassment. He can’t sleep even when Shane drifts off on the sofa because he doesn’t like the burning feeling under his skin. He stands up and goes into the kitchen, keeping quiet. His whole body feels so heavy so it takes him too much effort to get there.
Shane knows. He cleaned the dishes. He put away everything that was out of place. He tried to make Ilya feel good. He wants Ilya to go to therapy.
Shane can see how empty he is. He can tell Ilya wants to disappear. He can see how tired he is. He can tell Ilya isn’t trying hard enough.
Shane looks nervous. He looks at Ilya too softly. He looks at Ilya like he is fragile. He looks like he’s waiting for everything to fall apart.
Shane knows Ilya’s falling apart and Shane’s going to leave Ilya for someone who isn’t so empty.
He pours himself a glass of vodka, hiding the bottle away again after pouring a glass. As he stares ahead while drinking he thinks about how far away everyone is. Shane is right there but he feels miles away. No one can understand him now. He doesn’t even understand himself.